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 The Rainy Day

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Colin
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Join date : 2013-05-30
Age : 23
Location : Gnomeregan

PostSubject: The Rainy Day   Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:07 pm

It was Colin's 10th birthday. His parents told him he could go wherever he wanted for his birthday and he wanted to go to Hurricane Harbor. He had never been but he had seen the huge slides from the highway. Towering pinnacles of adrenaline and enjoyment. He had asked before to go but the money and time were never there. Now it was his chance. He sat in his room on his bed. He already had put on his swimsuit, he had a towel and a bottle of sunscreen in his hand, and he worried. Colin worried that it wouldn't be everything he wanted it to be. His mom walked in.

"Everyone else is in the car. Are you ready to go?" He nodded and stood up. They walked out to the car and started driving. It was a warm sunny day, contrary to what the weatherman had said. Colin never watched the weather. It was supposed to pour rain down in sheets. His parents had seen the forecast and considered postponing the trip, but after seeing the sky, they decided against it. About halfway to the park, traffic came to a grinding halt. There had been an accident. Cars were blocking 2 of the 3 lanes of highway 360. This was going to delay things. Colin and his brother decided to play on their Gameboys, which their parents had gotten them for Colin's birthday, to pass the time. After about an hour and a half of stop and go traffic, and plenty of arguing in the back seat, they passed the accident and things started to move again. However tensions were high, especially for Colin. The smallest thing would set him off at this point. As they pulled into the parking lot, they saw the sky starting to fill with clouds. Colin's dad tried to reassure him.

"Don't worry. It's just clouds. Today is all about you and a few clouds are not going to stop that." They got their tickets and walked into the park. Colin already had the day planned out by which rides he wanted to go on. He wanted to ride the big blue and yellow one and the one that looked like a black alien space ship. Everything else was icing on the birthday cake. They got a locker and a table and left all their towels and such there. After applying sunscreen, they headed to the blue and yellow one, which they came to find was named Tornado. They could all ride it at once, which they liked.

After waiting in line for their tube, the sky had filled even more with clouds. It began to drizzle a light rain. Colin looked to his dad, who looked back at him reassuringly. They got the tube and began to make the slow ascent up the tall, tall tower. When they got to the top, Colin could barely contain his excitement. They were next in line. They sat down in the tube and were about to go when they heard an announcement over the intercom.

"Unfortunately, due to severe weather, we have to close all tower rides." Colin was crushed. All his excitement turned to disappointment in an instant. He got out of the tube and walked down the tower distantly. The rain got worse. They sat under an overhang and discussed what to do. Colin said nothing. He had lost all interest in staying just to be disappointed more. They decided to go home. The drive home seemed twice as long as the drive there. When they got home, Colin went back to his room and shut the door. He laid on his bed. He turned 10 today. It was supposed to be all about him. It was supposed to be a good day. He cried silently and fell asleep. It was 3:00 in the afternoon.

I posted this writing sample for an honest critique. Please don't hold back.
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Iliana
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PostSubject: Re: The Rainy Day   Thu Aug 29, 2013 1:22 am

I'm torn. I have a foreboding feeling that this actually happened to you and it's heartbreaking.

Critic wise, it wasn't bad. A few grammar and punctuation mistakes here and there, but that's not the only thing that makes the story. I like how you kept it smoothed and progressed it onward and onward. Never leaving the reader to feel lost and confused. Add a couple of more detailed and vivid imagery and it would be beautiful!

Now I just wanna give you hugs. =(

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Colin
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PostSubject: Re: The Rainy Day   Thu Aug 29, 2013 1:24 am

Oh this didn't happen to me. I used a younger version of myself as the main character but this never happened. I didn't visit this specific water park until I was like 15 and never on my birthday.
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The Rainy Day
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